Home · Online Resources Quick Search · Power Search · Search Filter · Interest Finder · Browse Groups  IBM Netfinity...just better business

Use IBM Netfinity servers to reach the world with more power. Click here.

Article 10 of exactly 1056	Text Only   Help

Previous Article

Next Article

Current Results

View Thread

Author Profile

Post Message

Subject:      But what if it works !!! (Chain Letter Parody)
From:         ken@elsop.com (Ken Churilla)
Date:         1998/01/21
Message-ID:   <34cb6b70.77470246@nntp.best.com>
Newsgroups:   alt.spam
[More Headers]


But what if it works !!! (Chain Letter Parody)

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
ONE TIME MAILING, NO NEED TO REMOVE (We've got your number!)
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

But what if it works...?

        That is the question I asked myself over and over. Usually
after telling myself it couldn't.  Then I started to think, what would
I do with an extra $100,000, $500,000, or $1,000,000?  Would I quit my
job and leave my wife and my kids? Go back to school and hit on
underaged girls? Could I become really debt free by fleeing the
country - AND invest in my future by getting the best tout sheets at
the race track? Would I send my family on an extended vacation to
Bayonne, NJ while I go to Las Vegas and chase showgirls and gamble?
Or maybe trick some gypsies into remodeling my house, or con a
contractor into building me a new one?  
These are some of the things we're doing.

        I've received e-mails like this repeatedly, but before long I
began to wonder... Why do I get so many of these e-mails if the
process doesn't work? Someone is making lots of money and fulfilling
their dreams by following the system. I figure it's got to be the
people that sell the bulk e-mail list, the extractor software, the
pyramid schemes, and the other fradulent techniques to scam the
public. Why shouldn't it be me? AND YOU!!!  You've heard the get rich
quick stories. Well, this is another one. How much money have you
spent on lottery tickets in the last year 
hoping to hit it BIG?  Well, the solution is right under your nose.

        Other businesses require large investments with little return.
But with a $20 investment, YOUR returns could be great!  Imagine a
life without debt. Paying cash for bail and not messing with a
lifetime of paying for housing cost.Who needs credit with food stamps
in hand?  
A broken down heap of a car under the Christmas tree?  Have you driven
by the used car dealership lately?   Picture yourself behind the wheel
of a rusted old junker. I can't wait to welcome my kids home from
school everyday so I can "borrow" their bicycles... How about you?

        You say to yourself  This can't work....               

        ...but what if it does?!  (and it DOES!!)

It's easy and we'll show you how.Just read the following email that I
originally received & follow the directions.
I can't wait to hear from you so can spend your hard earned
money.Here's to a Truly Prosperous New Year
for me and my pay-by-the-hour chicks!

        And here's how it can be.

Good Luck!
John (insert generic name here)

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

This is an ILLEGAL, MONEY-LOSING PHENOMENON.
PRINT this letter, read the directions, THEN READ IT AGAIN, YOU STILL
WON'T MAKE ANY SENSE OF IT!!!

You are about to embark on the most unprofitable and common program
you may ever see.  Many times over, it has demonstrated and proven its
ability to generate large amounts of cash for me.  This program is
showing fantastic appeal with a huge and ever-growing on-line
population desirous of additional income. Remember, a fool is born
every minute and all of them eventually get an account
with AOL or a local ISP. You too can be a scammer!! (Spammer,
whatever.)

This is an illegitimate, ILLEGAL, money-losing opportunity. I can't
repeat this enough. If you don't believe me, check with your local
postmaster. He'll confirm that this is, indeed, against the law. It
does not require you to come in contact with people, do any work at
all, and best of all, you never have to leave the house, except to go
to the bank and withdraw some money and mail it to me! It's illegal
simply because you use the U.S. mail. It's as simple as that!

This truly is that unlucky break you've been stupid enough to be
waiting for! Simply follow the easy instructions in this letter, and
your financial disaster will come true! When followed correctly, this
electronic, Multi-Level Marketing  pyramid program works perfectly for
me...100% EVERY TIME!  You can't beat a good scam.

Thousands of people have used this program to:
    -  Lose capital in a vain and idiotic attempt to start their own
business
    -  Increase their debts
    -  Sell off their homes, cars, etc., 
    -  Even retire from the country and law enforcement
authorities! 

This is your chance, so don't pass it up!

-----------------------------------------------------------
OVERVIEW OF THIS ORDINARY AND COMMON
ELECTRONIC MULTI-LEVEL MARKETING SCAM PROGRAM
-----------------------------------------------------------

Basically, this is what YOU do:

You send thousands of people a product for $5.00 that costs next to
nothing to produce and e-mail. As with all multi-level businesses, you
build your business by recruiting greater fools than you are and
selling our products.  
Every state in the U.S. allows you to recruit new multi- level
business online (via your computer) because there is next to nothing
they can do about it because of the bogus return e-mail addresses you
will use.

The products in this program are a series of four business and
financial reports (hehehe) costing $5.00 each.  Each order you receive
via "snail mail" will include:

  * $5.00 cash
  * The name and number of the report they are ordering
  * The e-mail address where you will e-mail them the report
they ordered.

You should note that by using the U.S. Postal Service ("snail mail")
to obtain your ill gotten gains you will be violating federal law and
be commiting a serious felony. You never thought it would be as easy
as that, did you? It doesn't matter that you are not sending out a
legitimate product, only a bunch of electronic bits - it also violates
many state laws too. Imagine, killing more than two birds with one
stone!

To fill each order, you simply e-mail the "product" (hehehe, snort) to
the sap, err, buyer.  THAT'S IT! The $5.00 is yours!  This is the
EASIEST electronic multi-level marketing business scam anywhere! 

FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS TO THE LETTER AND
BE PREPARED TO REAP STAGGERING TROUBLES AND PROBLEMS!

******* I  N  S  T  R  U  C  T  I  O  N  S *******

This is what you MUST do (If you don't, I don't get your money):

1. Order all 4 reports shown on the list below (you can't sell them if
you don't order them). (Geez, we got to spell everything out to you.)

     *  For each report, send $5.00 CASH, the NAME & 
NUMBER OF THE REPORT YOU ARE ORDERING, YOUR E-MAIL 
ADDRESS, and YOUR RETURN POSTAL ADDRESS (in case of 
a problem (We have goons that collect for us in case of problems)) to
the person (these are all aliases and mail drops for me) whose name
appears on the list next to the report.

     *  When you place your order, make sure you order each of the
four reports.  You will need all four reports so that you can save
them on your computer and resell them. (I need all four $5 payments to
continue this fraud and fulfill my every fantasy)

     *  Within a few days you will receive, via e-mail, each of the
four reports (At absolutely no cost to me).   Save them on your
computer so they will be accessible for you to send  to the 1,000's of
people who will order them from you. (Lots of fools out there) These
files will also prove useful to law enforcement officials when they
confiscate your computer in order to use these files as evidence in
your criminal indictment.

2.  IMPORTANT-- DO NOT alter the names of the people who are listed
next to each report, or their sequence on the list, in any way other
than is  instructed below in steps "a" through "d" or I will lose out
on the majority of my profits.  Once you  understand the way this
works,you'll also see how it doesn't work if you change it.  Remember,
this method has been tested, and if you alter it, it will not work. I
can verify that because I am getting very, very few $5 payments. (Not
as many fools as I would like.)

    a.  Look below for the listing of available reports.

    b.  After you've ordered the four reports, replace the name and
address under REPORT #1 with your name and address, moving the one
that was there down to REPORT #2.  

    c.  Move the name and address that was under REPORT #2 down to
REPORT #3.  

    d.  Move the name and address that was under REPORT #3 down to
REPORT #4.  

    e.  The name and address that was under REPORT #4 is removed from
the list and has NO DOUBT collected their 500,000 dollars (Actually,
these are all mail drops for me so I'll continue to profit from your
foolishness)

Please make sure you copy everyone's name and address ACCURATELY!!!
(You can't image how pissed off I get when my mail drop boxes are
empty.)

3.  Take this entire letter, including the modified list of names, and
save it to your computer. Make NO changes to the instruction portion
of this letter.

4.  Now you're ready to start and recruiting other suckers on the
WORLDWIDE WEB!  Advertising (hehe) on the WEB is very, very
inexpensive, and there are HUNDREDS of FREE places to advertise, if
you can find them and if they 
put up with your crap. Another avenue which you could 
use for advertising is e-mail lists. You can buy these lists for under
$20/2,000 addresses or you can pay someone a minimal charge to take
care of it for you. BE SURE TO 
START YOUR AD CAMPAIGN IMMEDIATELY! (This additional hundreds of
dollars really isn't an investment. It's throwing your money away. So
it doesn't count against 
the REAL $20 investment you send me.)

5.  For every $5.00 you receive, all you must do is e-mail them the
report they ordered.  THAT'S IT!  ALWAYS PROVIDE SAME-DAY SERVICE ON
ALL ORDERS!  This will guarantee that the e-mail THEY send out, with
YOUR name and address on it, will be prompt because they can't
advertise until they receive the report!

------------------------------------------
AVAILABLE REPORTS (Our so called "products", tee hee)
------------------------------------------
***Order Each REPORT by NUMBER and NAME***

Notes:
-  ALWAYS SEND $5 CASH FOR EACH REPORT (We don't trust you to send
good personal checks, besides it's traceable.)
-  ALWAYS SEND YOUR ORDER VIA FIRST CLASS  MAIL (It get's to
my bank account faster.)
-  Make sure the cash is concealed by wrapping it in at least two
sheets of paper (You can't imagine how many crooks there are out there
besides me.) 
-  On one of those sheets of paper, include: (a) the number & name of
the report you are ordering, (b) your e-mail address, and (c) your
postal address (We really don't care about the latter, but it makes it
sound more legitimate and lulls you into a false sense of security.
:-)
___________________________________________________________
REPORT #1 "HOW TO MAKE $250,000 THROUGH MULTI-LEVEL SALES" 

ORDER REPORT #1 FROM:  
            L&M Consultants (My cousin Joey the Meatball)
            233 Queens Boulevard 
            Queens, NY, 10045
___________________________________________________________
REPORT #2 "MAJOR CORPORATIONS AND MULTI-LEVEL SALES"

ORDER REPORT #2 FROM:
        Wonderful Enterprises (My uncle Louie the Rat)
        P.O. Box 894032
        Miami, FL 32901-4032
___________________________________________________________
REPORT #3 "SOURCES FOR THE BEST MAILING LISTS"

ORDER REPORT #3 FROM:
        M. Finklestein (My dirtbag brother-in-law, Morry)
        P.O. Box 3382
        Tampa, FL 32736-3382
___________________________________________________________
REPORT #4 "EVALUATING MULTI-LEVEL SALES PLANS"

ORDER REPORT #4 FROM:
        Wild Enterprises Inc. (My brother, Sammy the Neck)
        P.O. Box 862
        Bensonhurst, NJ 11431
 
------------------------------------------------------------
HERE'S HOW THIS AMAZING PLAN WILL MAKE YOU $$$ MONEY $$$
------------------------------------------------------------

Let's say you decide to start small just to see how well it works.
Assume your goal is to get 10 people to participate on your first
level. (Placing a lot of FREE ads on the Internet will EASILY get a
larger response.) Also assume
that everyone else in YOUR ORGANIZATION gets ONLY 10 downline members.
Follow this example to achieve the STAGGERING results below.

1st level--your 10 members with $5.......................$50
2nd level--10 members from those 10 ($5 x 100)..........$500
3rd level--10 members from those 100 ($5 x 1,000).....$5,000
4th level--10 members from those 1,000 ($5 x 10,000).$50,000
                                THIS TOTALS--------->$55,550

Remember friends, this assumes that the people who participate only
recruit 10 people each.  Think for a moment what would happen if they
got 20 people to participate!  Most people get 100's of participants!
THINK ABOUT IT! If most people got that many participants everybody in
the world would have already bought at lease 10 copies of each report
and probably wouldn't be interested in getting any more copies. You've
seen one, you've seen them all. 

Your cost to participate in this is practically nothing (surely you
can afford $20). You obviously already have an Internet connection and
e-mail is FREE!!! REPORT#3 shows you the most productive methods for
bulk e-mailing and purchasing e-mail lists.(Only a few hundred dollars
more, not to mention the time consumed) Some list & bulk e-mail
vendors even work on trade! (Like they can't get enough of these
reports. .Maybe you can trade them your sister.)

About 50,000 new people get online every month! (Actually many more if
you believe a fool is born every minute, but we don't want to
exaggerate.)

*******TIPS FOR FAILURE*******

 *  TREAT THIS AS YOUR MONKEY BUSINESS!  Be prompt, professional, and
follow the directions accurately. (If you screw up I don't get my
money.)

 *  Send for the four reports IMMEDIATELY so you will have them when
the orders start coming in because:

    When you receive a $5 order, you MUST send out the requested
product/report to comply with the U.S. Postal & Lottery Laws, Title
18,Sections 1302 and 1341 or Title 18,  Section 3005 in the U.S.
Code,also Code of Federal Regs. vol. 16, Sections 255 and 436, which
state 
that "a product or service must be exchanged for money received."
(Actually, you break the law as soon as your respondent drops the
money into a mailbox, whether you send him a product or not.)

 *  ALWAYS PROVIDE SAME-DAY SERVICE ON THE ORDERS
YOU RECEIVE. LET'S KEEP THIS A RESPONSIBLE SCAM!! (and 
send me my money!)

 *  Be patient and persistent with this program. If you follow the
instructions exactly, the results WILL undoubtedly be a FAILURE! You
will need a lot of patience and persistence with this frustrating
experience.

 *  ABOVE ALL, HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF AND KNOW YOU WILL SUCCEED. If
you aren't gullible enough to do this, you are wasting my time.

*******YOUR FAILURE GUIDELINE*******

Follow these guidelines to guarantee and enhance your failure:

If you don't receive 1 to 2 orders for REPORT #1 within two
weeks,continue spamming like crazy until you do. Then, a couple of
weeks later you should receive at least one order for REPORT #2.  If
you don't, continue spamming like crazy until you do. Continue using
your spam list over and over. Send it out two or three times a day if
necessary .Once you have received a few orders for REPORT #2, YOU CAN
RELAX, because the system is already working for you, and the cash
will continue to roll in and I'll have made mine and won't be sending
any goons to your door!

THIS IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER:

Every time your name is moved down on the list, you are placed in
front of a DIFFERENT report.  You can KEEP TRACK of your LACK OF
PROGRESS by watching which report people 
are not ordering from you. If you want to lose more income, send
another batch of e-mails and start the whole process again! In fact,
I recommend that you use your bulk e-mail list 10 times a day for
starters. There is no limit to the time you will lose from this monkey
business!

NOTE:  If you need help with starting a business, registering a
business ame, how income tax is handled, etc., contact your local
office of the Small Business Administration (a Federal agency) for
free help and answers to questions. Also, the Internal Revenue Service
(another Federal agency) offers free help via telephone and free
seminars about business taxes. (Contacting these 
agencies will get you out of my hair for five to ten years.)

*******T  E  S  T  I  M  O  N  I  A  L  S*******

     This program does work (for me), but you must follow it EXACTLY!
Especially the rule of not trying to place your name in a different
position (I have already done that), it won't work for me and I'll
lose a lot of potential income. I'm living proof that it works. It
really is a great opportunity to lose relatively hard money, with
great cost to you.  If you do choose to participate, follow the
program exactly, and you'll be on your way to financial disaster. 
          Elliot Ness, Fargo, ND

     My name is Beavis. My wife, Minnie, and I live in Hollywood, CA.
I am a paper pusher with a MAJOR U.S. Corporation and I make very
little money because I ain't too bright. When I received the program I
grumbled to Minni about receiving "junk e-mail." I made fun of the
whole thing, spouting my knowledge of the population and percentages
involved.  I "knew" it wouldn't work. Minni 
totally ignored my supposed intelligence and jumped in with both feet.
I made merciless fun of her, and was ready to lay the old "I told you
so" on her when the thing didn't work... well, the laugh was on HER!
Within two weeks she had 
received over 50 responses from 50 state's attorney generals. Within
45 days she had received  over 20 criminal indictments! I wasn't
surprised!  I was sure that I had it all figured and that it wouldn't
work. I AM still not a believer. I have joined Minni in her "hobby."
I did have seven more years until retirement, but I think of the "rat
race" and it's not for me. I was indicted as a 
co-conspirator and we are both serving time at public expense. We both
got early retirement. We owe it all to MLM.
           Beavis the Butt Head., Hollywood, CA

    I just want to pass along my best wishes and encouragement to you.
Any doubts you have will vanish when your first postal inspectors come
in. I even checked with the U.S. Post Office to verify that the plan
was legal. It definitely is NOT! IT DOESN'T WORK!!!
           Phil Simpleton, New Orleans, LA

    The main reason for this letter is to convince you that this
system is dishonest, unlawful, extremely unprofitable, and is a way to
lose a large amount of money in a short time. I was approached several
times before I checked 
this out. I joined just to see what one could expect in return for the
minimal effort and money required. To my astonishment, I received
three jail convictions in the 
first 4 weeks, with indictments still coming in.
           Sincerely yours, Jane Shortskirts, Esq.

    Being the gambling type, it took me several hours to make up my
mind to participate in this plan because it is a big gamble. But jerk
that I am, I decided that the initial investment was so little that
there was just no way that I 
wouldn't get enough orders to at least get my money back. Boy, was I
surprised when I found my medium-size post office crammed with postal
inspectors waiting to pounce on me as I opened my PO Box!  For awhile,
I got so overloaded with subpoenas that I had to start picking up my
mail in federal prison. I'll lose more money this year than any 10
years of my life before. The nice thing about this deal is that it
doesn't matter where in the U.S. the people live. Federal jurisdiction
extends to where you LIVE. There simply isn't a worse investment with
a faster route to jail.
          Jill Jamboski, Chicago, IL

    I had received this program before. I deleted it hundreds of times
from my e-mail in-comming mail box, but later I wondered if I
shouldn't have given it a try. Of course, I had no idea who to contact
to get another copy,
so I had to wait until I was e-mailed another program...The very next
day I got three copies...I didn't delete those!...I lost more than
$500 on the first try!!
          I. Flunk, San Diego, CA

     This is my third time to participate in this plan. We have lost
our jobs, and will soon lose our home and live off the public in the
federal prison system. The only way on earth that this plan will work
for you is if you do it to yourself. For your sake, and for your
family's sake pass up this so-called opportunity. Lot's of luck you
loser!
           B. Gates, Redmond, WA

ORDER YOUR REPORTS TODAY AND GET STARTED ON YOUR ROAD TO 
FINANCIAL DISASTER!!!

================================================

For more information on the problem, I recommend you visit the
following websites:

All About Frauds and Scams on the Internet

http://www.elsop.com/wrc/complain.htm#fraud

Spam: Where to Complain About Frauds & Scams on the Internet

http://www.elsop.com/wrc/complain.htm

Spam: How to Fight it - Elsop's Anti-Spam Page

http://www.elsop.com/wrc/nospam.htm

For more laughs about the problem, visit the Humor for Webmasters page
at:

http://www.elsop.com/wrc/humor/

Ken Churilla

Copyright 1998 Kenneth R. Churilla
Permission is herein given to republish only 
in it's entirety without editing, including 
all information directly above.

Use IBM Netfinity servers to reach the world with more power. Click here.